It wasn’t until I was years deep into Myasthenia Gravis and more than a handful of doctors later that I discovered Functional Medicine. At that time I had already transformed my diet, taken up yoga, and had a basic understanding of the whole mind/body approach to healing. I felt like I was doing everything “right”.
It wasn’t until my husband and I traveled hours to the Cleveland Clinic of Functional Medicine in Ohio that I realized what I was missing. We went through the normal discussions, blood tests, nutrition information. All to be expected and all stuff I was prepared for,
but then the doctor began asking questions about my childhood and had me complete an ACE study. An ACE study is the Adverse Childhood Experiences Study and is an important tool to determine if childhood trauma has contributed to your health. There is a huge association between childhood trauma and chronic disease in adults. I thought my childhood was fairly normal until I took that test and the doctor began asking more in depth questions.
There is a huge association between childhood trauma and chronic disease in adults.
When I was 2, I remember my parents screaming at each other. I remember yelling from my high chair one evening, while eating spaghetti, for them to STOP! I remember it like it was yesterday. My dad was an alcoholic and they fought constantly. Eventually, after a very big fight and a night apart, they agreed they shouldn't be together and my dad ended up leaving. I was less than 3 at the time. I was so devastated by his absence that I refused to go to the bathroom. I would hold in my bowel movements for days and even weeks. It got to the point where I needed edemas to make me regular again. Can you imagine the harm I was unintentionally doing to my body by not allowing it to detox? Both physically and emotionally?
Between then and age 6, I went through an even more unstable time. My mom and I were homeless. I remember sleeping on her friend’s couches and even in a hotel room. My dad lived in an RV behind a gas station. The same gas station that he worked for at the time. I would see him occasionally on weekends. Staying in an RV behind a gas station when you’re that young was as cool as it was embarrassing. I was too young to understand but I knew that it felt off.
They both eventually found "normal" places to live although they wouldn't last long. I stayed mostly with my mom and saw my dad every other weekend but not consistently. In 1 year, my mom and I had moved 5 times. There was one house that was particularly scary and also in a very bad neighborhood. Once, my mom watched from the window as I was almost abducted. She ran out screaming and thankfully they sped off. There was also a predator who lived behind us. He would constantly try to coarse me into being his friend. He would ask where my parents were and if I wanted to come over. I was too young to know but it never felt right and my instinct would always tell me to go back inside. That same house was broken into and robbed within a few short months of living there. We came home from the store one day to find all of our stuff everywhere, drawers open, and poop in the toilets. Thankfully, my mom moved us out of there immediately. Onto the next one.
During this time, my dad also moved more than a handful of times. I felt like I never really had a home. I never got settled. I never felt safe or secure. Everything was always changing. During these moves, my dad still drank a ton, to the point of intoxication. There were times I was staying with him where he drank so much he wouldn’t allow me to talk to my mom. One particular time, he was so drunk that I called my mom from the bathroom to come and get me. I was barely 5 and she had given me a phone number to remember in case of an emergency. She told me to unlock the door so she could come get me. I remember her opening the door and us running like hell down the hall. My dad was too drunk to chase us but called her a hundred times after threatening her to bring me back.
I’m writing about my experience now because so many of us don’t understand the connection of our experiences to our health.
I don’t know how I ever thought this was all normal, but I guess I just didn’t know better. Obviously these things have completely shaped my entire life. It explains why I always feel the need to be strong and take care of myself. It explains why I’m so independent and why I never give up. It also explains how suppressing all of that, thinking it was normal, is why it took me so long to get diagnosed. I chalked up my experience and symptoms as normal and didn’t fight for my care or my diagnosis the way I chalked up my childhood as normal. I accepted my experience. Maybe, I thought that was what I deserved. I settled for feeling awful.
I’m writing about my childhood now because so many of us don’t understand the connection of our experiences to our health. I didn’t understand how suppressing these things and not facing them head on manifested in me becoming chronically ill. I’m also sharing because these traumas have popped up even more for me lately and I feel like that is why my health has been declining.
I promised myself that my children would never have to experience what I went through, and the above is just the surface stuff. I’ve worked my ass off to give them a home that we can be proud of, to make them feel safe, and to put food on the table. I’ve always been terrified of being homeless again or not having enough money for groceries but it's been especially scary now that I am responsible for my two boys. My fears had always seemed irrational to me. I knew they stemmed from my childhood but I also knew I would never let that happen. They were my driving force to work hard and keep going.
Now our business is tanking and it’s completely outside of my control. COVID has been outside of everyone's control. I’m more scared about my fears becoming a reality again than I ever have been in my adult life. The stress is literally making me sick. Again. I'm forced to face these old wounds and figure out how to move forward despite them.
What are some ways we can deal with childhood trauma that will prevent us from reoccurring stress?
Acknowledge your experience or experiences
Whatever it was, whatever they were. No judgments. No blame.
Sharing
Sharing my experience has been very therapeutic for me. My husband didn’t even know about my childhood until that visit in Ohio. At the time, we’d been together 13 years. His validation and empathy was exactly what I needed.
Journaling
Same as sharing but if you’re not ready to tell another person or people, write about it. All the feelings, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Get em out! Daily, weekly, as often as you can. When you see it on paper, it’s easier to make associations with things happening in your current life. Finding possible triggers, why you react the way you do, etc.
Meditate
When the thoughts become overwhelming or you’re triggered by something that is happening, focus on the present moment. Focus on your breathing. Focus on being still. Listening to your heartbeat.
It can be really difficult to piece your life together. To find the answers about your current situation from the experience of your past. When you start to put two and two together though, you can focus on healing these old wounds which will then correlate to fixing your current wounds ie your health. If we choose instead to ignore or suppress these bad experiences in fear of reliving them or being judged, or for the awful feelings they bring up, we aren’t able to truly heal our mind and our bodies. They will pop up in ways you didn't expect. This is just another tool for us to take back our ability and our power to heal.
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