I want to feel better and be normal so badly that I often ignore my body. I hear it yelling at me, “It’s too hot, we're doing too much, we really need to rest”. Often times, I don’t listen... then my body gets really mad and down pour the symptoms. It cries, “I told you so” as it shuts down and I’m left defeated. Dizzy, short of breath, droopy eye, heart racing, palpitations, weak legs, headache, and near fainting before I succumb and head upstairs to lay down. My poor body is left asking why I haven’t learned my lesson yet. ⠀
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I know the answer but it's not an easy solution. It is hard being chronically ill. I mean HARD. It’s even harder trying to be a mom while chronically ill. I want my boys to live normal lives and they’re so young right now, they need me to help them do that. So, I hike, I play, and I put myself in situations trying to be the normal mom when I am just not “normal”. The comparison to other moms doesn’t help. My mind says I’m capable. My spirit says I’m full of energy and ready to go and my soul craves spontaneity and being free. If these other moms can do it, why can't I?
I typically don't play the "why me" game when it comes to having these illnesses. I know in my heart that I was given this life for a reason and often times, I remember that, embrace it, and learn from it. I think the more time you spend suffering and sacrificing your good days though, the more you miss who you were and the idea of who you thought you would be. The more time you spend sick, the more time you have to reflect.
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I feel like being “sick” as a mom has me longing to be normal more so than if I didn’t have children, and it definitely takes mom guilt to the next level. It eats at you when you’re unwell and then adds to the pressure to do more and be more when you are feeling good. I know the grass isn't greener and all moms have their own struggles but these just happen to be mine.
What I’ve realized about this all, sick mom or not, the pressure we feel is usually something we create ourselves. I know I tend to focus on the things I can’t do (temporarily) instead of the things I could be teaching them. Like how to rest, how to care for your body, how to stretch and meditate when you’re tired instead of sprinting to the finish line in a race only I’ve created. I could show them that I’m their #1 cheerleader (and I do) and will support them in their ventures even if I can’t always participate. I can teach them the importance of slowing down and being present. That deep conversations between two people are as healthy for you as running around in the sun.
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At the end of the day, it’s not about how much we do for them but how much we are there for them that matters. It's how we show up for them despite our own challenges. Even when we rest and even when we say we can't, we are doing what is needed so we can show up for them again tomorrow.
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