We celebrated Mother’s Day yesterday and it got me thinking a lot about what it means to be a mother who is “sick”. Growing up, I dreamed about getting married and having kids. I’ve always wanted 2 boys (well, and a girl too if I’m being honest). I pictured myself being the perfect parent. Ha! Is there such a thing? In my dreams, I would bake and craft, and explore, and I would ALWAYS read bed time stories AND tuck them in. I would never spend a day in bed and I would get up early every morning to make sure they had structure. I know most moms have big hopes before actually becoming one. I also know that what I described is the nonexistent Mary Poppins of a mother. While that might not be realistic, the point is, I never imagined I’d be the “sick” mom.
Being a mom in general is tougher than those childhood dreams. Being a mom with a chronic illness may or may not be harder, but we do face different challenges. It’s challenging in the ways that one would assume when you’re “sick”. Not having the energy to do normal things with your kids, for instance. Having them see you go to the doctors more frequently. Needing to take care of those little people when you don’t feel well, even though we always find a way to do it!
Then there are the things we don’t expect, that we never saw coming. I didn’t expect for my boys to see me struggle... to see a bunch of strange people come into my house with a blazing ambulance outside to wheel me away. I didn’t expect to have my kids visit me in ICU for a week when they were only 2 and 4. I didn’t expect to be so dizzy or so weak that sometimes I can’t even tuck them in at bed time. That’s always followed by that awful feeling of mom guilt. Especially, of course, because they only want mom to do it. I could never have imagined that seeing me hooked up to an IV 8 hours a day, 3 times a month, would be normal for them. Or how vacations pose new challenges, like the time that we visited Hawaii. I had to be wheel chaired by emergency personnel to our terminal because I couldn’t breathe, talk, or walk. They were terrified. I didn’t expect to tell them that mommy doesn’t feel good enough to even walk downstairs. Believe me though, it takes a lot for me to even get there.
Being a mom who is chronically ill comes with the daily struggles of wanting to shield them and protect them from your illness but to also teach them empathy; convincing yourself that a little hardship builds character. We are torn between listening to our bodies by resting but instead putting our kids first, they constantly need us. It’s feeling torn on whether you should let them “indulge” at a friend’s birthday party but knowing that healthy nutrition might prevent them from ending up like you. It's pretending to be okay while putting on a brave face for them but deep down not knowing how much more you can take. It’s wanting the days to speed up when you’re barely getting by but then realizing how big they are and wanting time to stop. It's being angry at the illness you feel is stripping you of those little moments, but yet being grateful for the disease who has allowed you to appreciate them and life much differently and much deeper.
Maybe being a mom with a chronic illness is actually our superpower.
On top of it all, having a chronic illness with children has taught me so much more about myself than I ever would have learned alone. They have taught me to never give up so I fight harder than I ever have. They have taught me the definition of unconditional love, even when that love is for myself. They have taught me the value of a support system, that they’ll cheer me on to the finish line and that it’s okay to ask for help.
Maybe instead of feeling guilty for being “sick”, we start to acknowledge ourselves for how far we’ve come each day and how great we are doing, despite it all. We may have to fight in ways that most moms can’t even imagine but we are stronger because of it. Especially our mental strength, it’s out of this world. On top of that, no matter how weak or insufficient we feel, we are still our children’s heroes, and maybe being a mom with a chronic illness is actually our superpower.
Comments